THEY SELL 74 CENT AVOCADO'S AT THE GATES OF HELL
My vacation to Idaho came to an end today with a stop at the wal-mart super center in Missoula. I needed to stop and get some groceries and a new mouse for my computer, you know, one of those optical wireless jobs. Should really be quite handy, not only can I use it on my pc, but I can take it with my laptop as well, but truth be told, the nicest feature is no more dirty mouse ball roller thing.
As I was saying, I was going to have to stop at the wal-mart super center, now I was truly dreading this stop mostly because it’s the day after “BLACK FRIDAY” so I was pretty certain that the place was going to be a fucking zoo, it is any other day of the year, but I knew today was really going to be a crowded one. While I was turning off of Reserve st. onto what-ever the hell street it is, I quickly scanned the parking lot to determine just how miserable of a shopping adventure this was going to be. From the initial scan of the lot it didn’t look as bad as I had been thinking, boy was I in for a nasty little surprise.
I grabbed both of the girls by the hand to begin negotiating the parking lot to enter thru the gaping maw they refer to as the entrance. Soon as we were inside I knew it was the wrong day, I could just feel it. Now in my life I have learned to believe in my gut instincts, now this doesn’t always mean I heed them, I just know that they are about 95ccurate in sensing good, bad and ugly situations. As I was grabbing the shopping cart I knew this was going to be both bad and ugly.
First stop, the ladies room, after all we had just driven for 3 ½ hours and the girls both had to “go”, or so they had been claiming for quite some time, we had actually stopped along the river (there are no rest stops or stores or anything for about 70 miles along this stretch of the Lochsaw river) and attempted to let them go poo behind the car, had anyone driven by I’m sure they would have wrecked their car from laughing so hard at the situation going on along the side of U.S. hwy 12. There I was, holding my three year old daughter kind of in this squatting position with her pants around her ankles, and her legs fairly extended ( the leg extension comes from the knowledge I gained on our last road trip when we stopped in this same place to pee, well, girls apparently pee different then boys and while she was squatting she managed to piss all over her pants, lovely). Well my poor little girl held in this suspended position only was able to manage for about 30 seconds and decided she could hold it. After watching this scene my 5 year old admitted she too could hold it. Go figure.
So we get to the ladies room, now this is always a moment of hesitation for me, do I take them into the men’s room, or do I let them journey into the ladies by themselves? I’m never sure, so it depends on the moment really. Like I said, we get to the ladies room and my oldest says she doesn’t have to go anymore….WHAT?!?!?!? Well I tell her that she needs to take her sister in so she can go.
There I am standing outside of the ladies room, looking like some kind of dirty bastard (aqua lung kept playing over in my head), waiting for my kids and watching the people. That’s when I see it, the misery and destitute appearance on the faces of all of the “happy” shoppers. The lady that first caught my attention was probably in her mid 50’s and rather odd looking, so I stared to try and figure out what was so odd, then “BAM” I get it, she has this huge mouth, I mean, fucking enormous, and it’s painted bright fucking pink, and she has this damn evil grin, kind of like the gal in that sound garden video for “black hole sun” the mouth just kind of keeps growing and growing. Quite a horrific site really. I quickly avert my eyes back to the ladies room, and out comes my oldest. ALONE. Now they have been in there almost 5 minutes, I’m a little concerned, but when I see her coming out alone, I begin to run all sorts of horrific things thru my imagination, the worst being one involving Rebecca in there with her pants full of shit and her stuck in the toilet, but much to my relief she just was coming out to inform me that she had to go too.
Well, another 10 minutes pass and my youngest comes out, and we then wait, and wait, and wait, and then, we wait some more. Finally her sister emerges from the ladies room and we are set to begin our shopping adventure in the wonderful world of “rolled back prices”.
Second stop, home electronics, after sorting thru the wide (but still expensive) selection of optical wireless mice, I chose one, I won’t bore you with the details of which one. We then turn to leave Home Electronics and that’s when it happens, the twitch in my left eye, I know this twitch all to well, its not a visible twitch, at least not to the best of my knowledge, but the twitch marks the beginning of my temper starting to emerge, there before me filling the aisles are a plethora of shoppers and discount shit in oversize displays, and no navigable path thru them to the grocery dept. FUCK! Now I begin to feel really hot, I mean, boiling, its tempting to take off all clothes at that point to try to cool off, but that no doubt would cause some commotion, and I really hate commotion, at least the kind I would be facing in this mental state.
After 2 hours of “scuse me, pardon me” we get thru to the grocery department. We start filling our cart with the barest of necessities, and again its time to enter the aisles, now why is it that these fucking shoppers have to be such rude, inconsiderate fucking morons, I mean seriously, is there any reason on earth why these fat fucking assholes have to park in the aisle ways sideways, then glare at you like you just tried to ass rape them, when you say “excuse me” so you can get by? A lot of times I will just say “fuck it” and go to the other aisle and come back down from the other end to avoid these autistic shoppers. But as my luck would have it today, every dang aisle was like this.
Next stop, Meat Department (yes, I eat meat, so all you vegans can suck my left nut, I hear it tastes like broccoli) and I am approaching the ground beef, and the meat guy is there, and I’m kind of peeking in front of the spot he has his big fucking john deer meat cart parked (this douche bag isn’t doing anything) trying to see if the dead cow I need is in front of him, sure as shit it is, so I let on to this fuckwad (granted, I know he’s a minimum wage worker, but come on, be courteous) that I really would like to get to the spot he is blocking (again, he isn’t doing shit, just standing there, not stocking not anything, just wasting space, much like the rest of the American population) and he just kind of says “humph” and drags his big fucking Cadillac cart off. Sigh…..I grab my burger and start making my way to the check out stands.
As I’m walking the green mile it dawns on me that I need kitty litter, (fuck I hate cats, the things we do for our kids) so I bob and weave my way back to the grocery department, it just made sense that the pet stuff would be there, much like any other grocery store, but then I’m not in just “any” grocery store, in fact as I begin to desperately search for anything pet related in this behemoth of a store, I realize that wal-mart super centers are in fact “the gates of hell”.
After many hours of searching for the pet department, and more importantly, any fucking idiot that worked there, that could give me some sort of clue as to where it may be. I eventually find this upper management looking douche bag and he tells me its back by the entrance…conveniently located right next to the toy department. AAAAAAAAARGHH! I had managed to avoid this department as I wasn’t in the mood for “dad, can I have this, oh I want this,” but, alas, I had to make the trip. I decide the best and fastest way to get in and out would be to throw the kids on top of all the groceries and just plow my way thru the gawkers and lookey-loos, running helter skelter so the girls would never have the opportunity to notice the endless aisles of shit that they don’t need, but seem to be pre-programmed to think they do. I make it to the pet aisle, and kick down a little old lady that was parked sideways in front of all the kitty litter, she started to yell, so I kicked her in the face and shot her a glance that said I was desperate and there was no fucking way she was going to break my will to finish my mission.
Now we are again on our way back to the check out stands, and I’m muttering foul words and things about wal-mart, resolving to never again frequent their shitty fucking establishment, and that’s when I see it….like a fucking lighthouse that suddenly appears on a dark night to give you some hope of life and land, the stand was enormous, and fully stalked, it was truly a thing of beauty, then I notice the prices….oh my god AVOCADO’S FOR 74 CENTS! What fucking madness, maybe, just maybe this wal-mart super center needs a second thought.
Well the girls and I make it back to the car and on to the highway, we are now headed down U.S. Hwy 93, due north, we have been going for probably 15 minutes, that’s when Rebecca say’s it “dad, I have to poop”.
Chris D.
