Ok, so I got to go snowboarding today! WHOOPEE was it a blast, I forgot why it was that I used to participate in this activity with the feverish desire of a 15 year old virgin in a whore house (no not me thank you).
Its been a few years (like 7 i think) since i've been on a board, so i was a little apprehensive at first especially since the board I have it quite big. It's a Burton Canyon and is 181 cm. Now I've always liked to ride the bigger boards, and by bigger, I mean bigger for my body size, something more along the lines of a 163 cm board, but after a couple of runs in the fresh virigin (sorry about the virgin reference again, i'm feeling rather randy, and I don't have the kids tonight, so I may go and try and find some sort of debauchery, or I may stay home and watch porn and eat pizza, not sure yet) powder I knew full well that I was born to ride the long boards.
That being said, let me start over with my day. First stop, the bakery/deli in lakeside...ok, this place was all bakery, there wasn't a fucking corndog to be found in the place, in fact, i'd bet dollars to donuts that they wouldn't have the slightest clue what a corndog is. So I order "the country burrito" it has sausage, eggs, cheese, and potato's, I also got a large cup of the darkest coffee they had (my coffee matches my personality; dark and bitter) on tap. I pay for the food and drink and flop back into my car, ready to negotiate the 13.5 mile drive up the very icy mountain (yes, i'm driving up the mountain with my knees as i'm drinking my coffee, eating my burrito, which by the way had no fucking potato's in it....rotten bastards, and talking to all sorts of very very important people on my cell phone, ok, they weren't important, i was just calling everyone to laugh at them for being stuck in their jobs today).
So I go in to the lodge and find Asia (quite the attractive young gal, had i any balls, i probably would have flirted a bit more with her, but since i hadn't started drinking yet, i was a little shy) she gives me my pass, and i'm back to my car to put on my gear.
This is when I see it, helmets, everyone is wearing a fucking helmet! Skiers, snowboarders, even the fucking pedestrians are wearing helmets. So my first thought was that it must be some special ed. day on the hill. Nope. I would have to say that 75% of the people up on the mountain were wearing helmets, now come on, I can see, and advocate the use of helmets to some degree on a bicycle, but on the slopes...come on people, don't be pussies. And trust me, these folks with their cranial covers were the biggest weenies i've ever laid eyes on, alot of them were actually sno-plowing down the mountain, WITH A FUCKING HELMET ON! Now i've had my fair share of horrific wrecks (yard sales if you will) on the mountain, but never would I ever think about wearing a helmet. Maybe a chin gaurd or something, as i"ve knocked myself out landing in the flats and trying to shove my knees thru my jaw. And thats another thing, not one of these helmets had any kind of chin guard...holy hell man what is wrong with people.
Now i'm sure i'll get all sorts of advocates for safety bitching about this, but to them i say this GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU GODDAMN CRYBABIES.
Now, i'm going to borrow a little something from George Carlin here, he did a bit in his stand up routine once, regarding bike helmets, and he had a great point, part of the reason so many americans are idiots, is that the stupid one's are getting weeded out as children...in a sense, we have effectivly wiped out a small part of natural selection. Now we are doing this on the mountains?
In my 20 years of skiing and snowboarding, i've never seen one head injury, if you can't ski/board within your limitations, you probably deserve to die because you are obviously a fucking moron that should have been killed at an earlier age (i make this assumption because he/she probably wore a helmet on his/her bicycle). Hell, i've riden well beyond what is probably reasonable, but I would never purposefully endanger myself. And i doubt that wearing a helmet is going to push people any further either.
Here is an exception to this rule, if you are a profesional skier/snowboarder you may want to wear a helmet if you are jumping 70foot gaps, or dropping in on a mountain with a face of 60 degrees or so. That, seems reasonable.
Ok, enough on the helmet shit, god, thats just sad. So, the other thing I realized is that tonight i need to make a mixed tape (actually a c.d. but mixed tape sounds cool) because the one I had today was something I grabbed on my way out the door, it had a couple of great songs to ride to, and some others that were total shit. Here is a list of songs I recomend for a day on the slopes (this list is only a guidline for me, chances are, you hate my fucking music)
Alternative Ulster by stiff little fingers: this song gives me fucking goosebumps when it starts off.
Katmandoo by bob seager....just fucking great stuff.
Pepper (not sure on the name of this song) by the butthole surfers.
wasted by black flag, ok really just about anything by black flag is good.
ok, i'm now losing interest in writting out my song list, so i'm going to end this blog thing now,
Hope you all have as much fun as I am tonight (weather its pizza and porn or beer and bar whores)
-chris d.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Of Heat Tape and Men
I am a man. I can build anything. I can fix anything. I don't need directions. I am a fucking idiot.
I bought my home about 5 years ago. It's a manufactured home (which is really a euphemism for "trailer", it is quite nice tho..all sheetrocked, nice appliances....but still a trailer). So, for 5 years now, I have been saying "gee, i should really get under the house (aka trailer) and insulate around the skirting, at least where the water line is at. I think I should do this, because I live in a very cold winter climate, and every year my water line freezes (go figure). And every year I say " shit, winter is here, it's too cold to crawl under there right now, i'll do it in the spring". Well eventually spring tends to roll around and then I seem to muster up some sort of excuse like this "gosh, we've been getting so much rain, it's probably really muddy under there, I'll just wait and do it in the summer, when it's warm AND dry". Well as you probably would guess, summer finally arrives at which point i say something along these lines "it's way to fucking hot to be crawling around under that damn house (aka trailer) besides, the black widow's are now out in full force so I will wait untill fall when it gets cooler out and the black widow's can't move about so quick" Seems like reasonable thinking right? So, before I know it, fall is upon me, and I some how manage to convince myself that "the odds of it getting cold enough this year are pretty minimal, what with this whole global warming thing, besides, if it does look like it's going to get that cold, i'll just take care of it the night before, it should be quick and easy anyhow...it's only and area of about 3foot by 10 foot that needs to be insulated, piece of cake"
What kind of fucking asshole would reason with himself in this manner...I can only think of one type of person....A MAN! Now I know i'm a guy and I shouldn't be bashing us guy's, but damnit, sometimes (not often) we do stupid shit, for example; going out after work to have "a beer" and before you know it, it's closing time on a tuesday night, you are shitfaced, wondering where everyone is, and who is this enormous woman I'm trying to coerce into my bed. See that is a good example of a man being stupid, not stupid for drinking too many beers, and not stupid for taking home anything you could get your dirty horny little hands on. No we are stupid for honestly thinking, that we are only going to have "a beer". Much like i've been very stupid thinking I'm a) going to get my house insulated at a "convient time" and B) that it's not going to get cold.
So, two days ago the weather service makes some claim ( I don't like to use the word prediction, because hell, at least predictions have a chance of coming true) that the temperature here is going to hit at least -16 degrees farhenheit. So I do the unthinkable (now mind you, its already about 15 degrees out, and alot of snow) I listen, not only do I listen, but I go buy a vatt of insulation, not only that, but as soon as I get home, I proceed to take down the skirting (ok, to be honest here, about 2 months ago, I started taking it down thinking I'd be doing this, only I talked myself into believing that it doesn't really get that cold in western Montana, and never really got it all the way back up) and I crawl under the damn house (aka trailer) and sure as shit, spider webs fucking everywhere, now, I'm not scared of spiders, however, my house only seems to have black widow's under it, so thats a little un-nerving. Anyhow, I'm in my arctic work gear crawling around insulating like a mad man (hey, it's friggin cold). It takes all of about 30 minutes to get the whole job half-ass done, good enough to prevent freezing, besides, i'll fix it up right in the spring.
Here is where I provide proof that ALL men are as dumb as I. I get a call from my boss this morning saying that we are too meet at his rental house because he's worried about the water line freezing (yes, it got fucking cold, who would have guessed?). So I meet him at the rental house, and we go under...and start to apply the heat tape to the lines...which by the way...were in the early stages of freezing, you could feel the ice in the lines, and the water was just trickling out of the main line. So we bring down the heater and beging to blast the pipes with heat ranging in the 500 degree area, which is also blasting directly on us, and well, it's really cold out, so I have on all of my thermal work shit!
Finally we get all of the lines thawed, and the heat tape applied and his cellar entrance insulated. The day was mostly uneventfull after that. I think the moral of my story, if I were to have a moral, I suppose you should first have morals before you go making morals out of your stories....anyhow, don't put shit off!
chris d.
I bought my home about 5 years ago. It's a manufactured home (which is really a euphemism for "trailer", it is quite nice tho..all sheetrocked, nice appliances....but still a trailer). So, for 5 years now, I have been saying "gee, i should really get under the house (aka trailer) and insulate around the skirting, at least where the water line is at. I think I should do this, because I live in a very cold winter climate, and every year my water line freezes (go figure). And every year I say " shit, winter is here, it's too cold to crawl under there right now, i'll do it in the spring". Well eventually spring tends to roll around and then I seem to muster up some sort of excuse like this "gosh, we've been getting so much rain, it's probably really muddy under there, I'll just wait and do it in the summer, when it's warm AND dry". Well as you probably would guess, summer finally arrives at which point i say something along these lines "it's way to fucking hot to be crawling around under that damn house (aka trailer) besides, the black widow's are now out in full force so I will wait untill fall when it gets cooler out and the black widow's can't move about so quick" Seems like reasonable thinking right? So, before I know it, fall is upon me, and I some how manage to convince myself that "the odds of it getting cold enough this year are pretty minimal, what with this whole global warming thing, besides, if it does look like it's going to get that cold, i'll just take care of it the night before, it should be quick and easy anyhow...it's only and area of about 3foot by 10 foot that needs to be insulated, piece of cake"
What kind of fucking asshole would reason with himself in this manner...I can only think of one type of person....A MAN! Now I know i'm a guy and I shouldn't be bashing us guy's, but damnit, sometimes (not often) we do stupid shit, for example; going out after work to have "a beer" and before you know it, it's closing time on a tuesday night, you are shitfaced, wondering where everyone is, and who is this enormous woman I'm trying to coerce into my bed. See that is a good example of a man being stupid, not stupid for drinking too many beers, and not stupid for taking home anything you could get your dirty horny little hands on. No we are stupid for honestly thinking, that we are only going to have "a beer". Much like i've been very stupid thinking I'm a) going to get my house insulated at a "convient time" and B) that it's not going to get cold.
So, two days ago the weather service makes some claim ( I don't like to use the word prediction, because hell, at least predictions have a chance of coming true) that the temperature here is going to hit at least -16 degrees farhenheit. So I do the unthinkable (now mind you, its already about 15 degrees out, and alot of snow) I listen, not only do I listen, but I go buy a vatt of insulation, not only that, but as soon as I get home, I proceed to take down the skirting (ok, to be honest here, about 2 months ago, I started taking it down thinking I'd be doing this, only I talked myself into believing that it doesn't really get that cold in western Montana, and never really got it all the way back up) and I crawl under the damn house (aka trailer) and sure as shit, spider webs fucking everywhere, now, I'm not scared of spiders, however, my house only seems to have black widow's under it, so thats a little un-nerving. Anyhow, I'm in my arctic work gear crawling around insulating like a mad man (hey, it's friggin cold). It takes all of about 30 minutes to get the whole job half-ass done, good enough to prevent freezing, besides, i'll fix it up right in the spring.
Here is where I provide proof that ALL men are as dumb as I. I get a call from my boss this morning saying that we are too meet at his rental house because he's worried about the water line freezing (yes, it got fucking cold, who would have guessed?). So I meet him at the rental house, and we go under...and start to apply the heat tape to the lines...which by the way...were in the early stages of freezing, you could feel the ice in the lines, and the water was just trickling out of the main line. So we bring down the heater and beging to blast the pipes with heat ranging in the 500 degree area, which is also blasting directly on us, and well, it's really cold out, so I have on all of my thermal work shit!
Finally we get all of the lines thawed, and the heat tape applied and his cellar entrance insulated. The day was mostly uneventfull after that. I think the moral of my story, if I were to have a moral, I suppose you should first have morals before you go making morals out of your stories....anyhow, don't put shit off!
chris d.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
They sell 74cent avocados at the gates of hell
THEY SELL 74 CENT AVOCADO'S AT THE GATES OF HELL
My vacation to Idaho came to an end today with a stop at the wal-mart super center in Missoula. I needed to stop and get some groceries and a new mouse for my computer, you know, one of those optical wireless jobs. Should really be quite handy, not only can I use it on my pc, but I can take it with my laptop as well, but truth be told, the nicest feature is no more dirty mouse ball roller thing.
As I was saying, I was going to have to stop at the wal-mart super center, now I was truly dreading this stop mostly because it’s the day after “BLACK FRIDAY” so I was pretty certain that the place was going to be a fucking zoo, it is any other day of the year, but I knew today was really going to be a crowded one. While I was turning off of Reserve st. onto what-ever the hell street it is, I quickly scanned the parking lot to determine just how miserable of a shopping adventure this was going to be. From the initial scan of the lot it didn’t look as bad as I had been thinking, boy was I in for a nasty little surprise.
I grabbed both of the girls by the hand to begin negotiating the parking lot to enter thru the gaping maw they refer to as the entrance. Soon as we were inside I knew it was the wrong day, I could just feel it. Now in my life I have learned to believe in my gut instincts, now this doesn’t always mean I heed them, I just know that they are about 95ccurate in sensing good, bad and ugly situations. As I was grabbing the shopping cart I knew this was going to be both bad and ugly.
First stop, the ladies room, after all we had just driven for 3 ½ hours and the girls both had to “go”, or so they had been claiming for quite some time, we had actually stopped along the river (there are no rest stops or stores or anything for about 70 miles along this stretch of the Lochsaw river) and attempted to let them go poo behind the car, had anyone driven by I’m sure they would have wrecked their car from laughing so hard at the situation going on along the side of U.S. hwy 12. There I was, holding my three year old daughter kind of in this squatting position with her pants around her ankles, and her legs fairly extended ( the leg extension comes from the knowledge I gained on our last road trip when we stopped in this same place to pee, well, girls apparently pee different then boys and while she was squatting she managed to piss all over her pants, lovely). Well my poor little girl held in this suspended position only was able to manage for about 30 seconds and decided she could hold it. After watching this scene my 5 year old admitted she too could hold it. Go figure.
So we get to the ladies room, now this is always a moment of hesitation for me, do I take them into the men’s room, or do I let them journey into the ladies by themselves? I’m never sure, so it depends on the moment really. Like I said, we get to the ladies room and my oldest says she doesn’t have to go anymore….WHAT?!?!?!? Well I tell her that she needs to take her sister in so she can go.
There I am standing outside of the ladies room, looking like some kind of dirty bastard (aqua lung kept playing over in my head), waiting for my kids and watching the people. That’s when I see it, the misery and destitute appearance on the faces of all of the “happy” shoppers. The lady that first caught my attention was probably in her mid 50’s and rather odd looking, so I stared to try and figure out what was so odd, then “BAM” I get it, she has this huge mouth, I mean, fucking enormous, and it’s painted bright fucking pink, and she has this damn evil grin, kind of like the gal in that sound garden video for “black hole sun” the mouth just kind of keeps growing and growing. Quite a horrific site really. I quickly avert my eyes back to the ladies room, and out comes my oldest. ALONE. Now they have been in there almost 5 minutes, I’m a little concerned, but when I see her coming out alone, I begin to run all sorts of horrific things thru my imagination, the worst being one involving Rebecca in there with her pants full of shit and her stuck in the toilet, but much to my relief she just was coming out to inform me that she had to go too.
Well, another 10 minutes pass and my youngest comes out, and we then wait, and wait, and wait, and then, we wait some more. Finally her sister emerges from the ladies room and we are set to begin our shopping adventure in the wonderful world of “rolled back prices”.
Second stop, home electronics, after sorting thru the wide (but still expensive) selection of optical wireless mice, I chose one, I won’t bore you with the details of which one. We then turn to leave Home Electronics and that’s when it happens, the twitch in my left eye, I know this twitch all to well, its not a visible twitch, at least not to the best of my knowledge, but the twitch marks the beginning of my temper starting to emerge, there before me filling the aisles are a plethora of shoppers and discount shit in oversize displays, and no navigable path thru them to the grocery dept. FUCK! Now I begin to feel really hot, I mean, boiling, its tempting to take off all clothes at that point to try to cool off, but that no doubt would cause some commotion, and I really hate commotion, at least the kind I would be facing in this mental state.
After 2 hours of “scuse me, pardon me” we get thru to the grocery department. We start filling our cart with the barest of necessities, and again its time to enter the aisles, now why is it that these fucking shoppers have to be such rude, inconsiderate fucking morons, I mean seriously, is there any reason on earth why these fat fucking assholes have to park in the aisle ways sideways, then glare at you like you just tried to ass rape them, when you say “excuse me” so you can get by? A lot of times I will just say “fuck it” and go to the other aisle and come back down from the other end to avoid these autistic shoppers. But as my luck would have it today, every dang aisle was like this.
Next stop, Meat Department (yes, I eat meat, so all you vegans can suck my left nut, I hear it tastes like broccoli) and I am approaching the ground beef, and the meat guy is there, and I’m kind of peeking in front of the spot he has his big fucking john deer meat cart parked (this douche bag isn’t doing anything) trying to see if the dead cow I need is in front of him, sure as shit it is, so I let on to this fuckwad (granted, I know he’s a minimum wage worker, but come on, be courteous) that I really would like to get to the spot he is blocking (again, he isn’t doing shit, just standing there, not stocking not anything, just wasting space, much like the rest of the American population) and he just kind of says “humph” and drags his big fucking Cadillac cart off. Sigh…..I grab my burger and start making my way to the check out stands.
As I’m walking the green mile it dawns on me that I need kitty litter, (fuck I hate cats, the things we do for our kids) so I bob and weave my way back to the grocery department, it just made sense that the pet stuff would be there, much like any other grocery store, but then I’m not in just “any” grocery store, in fact as I begin to desperately search for anything pet related in this behemoth of a store, I realize that wal-mart super centers are in fact “the gates of hell”.
After many hours of searching for the pet department, and more importantly, any fucking idiot that worked there, that could give me some sort of clue as to where it may be. I eventually find this upper management looking douche bag and he tells me its back by the entrance…conveniently located right next to the toy department. AAAAAAAAARGHH! I had managed to avoid this department as I wasn’t in the mood for “dad, can I have this, oh I want this,” but, alas, I had to make the trip. I decide the best and fastest way to get in and out would be to throw the kids on top of all the groceries and just plow my way thru the gawkers and lookey-loos, running helter skelter so the girls would never have the opportunity to notice the endless aisles of shit that they don’t need, but seem to be pre-programmed to think they do. I make it to the pet aisle, and kick down a little old lady that was parked sideways in front of all the kitty litter, she started to yell, so I kicked her in the face and shot her a glance that said I was desperate and there was no fucking way she was going to break my will to finish my mission.
Now we are again on our way back to the check out stands, and I’m muttering foul words and things about wal-mart, resolving to never again frequent their shitty fucking establishment, and that’s when I see it….like a fucking lighthouse that suddenly appears on a dark night to give you some hope of life and land, the stand was enormous, and fully stalked, it was truly a thing of beauty, then I notice the prices….oh my god AVOCADO’S FOR 74 CENTS! What fucking madness, maybe, just maybe this wal-mart super center needs a second thought.
Well the girls and I make it back to the car and on to the highway, we are now headed down U.S. Hwy 93, due north, we have been going for probably 15 minutes, that’s when Rebecca say’s it “dad, I have to poop”.
Chris D.
My vacation to Idaho came to an end today with a stop at the wal-mart super center in Missoula. I needed to stop and get some groceries and a new mouse for my computer, you know, one of those optical wireless jobs. Should really be quite handy, not only can I use it on my pc, but I can take it with my laptop as well, but truth be told, the nicest feature is no more dirty mouse ball roller thing.
As I was saying, I was going to have to stop at the wal-mart super center, now I was truly dreading this stop mostly because it’s the day after “BLACK FRIDAY” so I was pretty certain that the place was going to be a fucking zoo, it is any other day of the year, but I knew today was really going to be a crowded one. While I was turning off of Reserve st. onto what-ever the hell street it is, I quickly scanned the parking lot to determine just how miserable of a shopping adventure this was going to be. From the initial scan of the lot it didn’t look as bad as I had been thinking, boy was I in for a nasty little surprise.
I grabbed both of the girls by the hand to begin negotiating the parking lot to enter thru the gaping maw they refer to as the entrance. Soon as we were inside I knew it was the wrong day, I could just feel it. Now in my life I have learned to believe in my gut instincts, now this doesn’t always mean I heed them, I just know that they are about 95ccurate in sensing good, bad and ugly situations. As I was grabbing the shopping cart I knew this was going to be both bad and ugly.
First stop, the ladies room, after all we had just driven for 3 ½ hours and the girls both had to “go”, or so they had been claiming for quite some time, we had actually stopped along the river (there are no rest stops or stores or anything for about 70 miles along this stretch of the Lochsaw river) and attempted to let them go poo behind the car, had anyone driven by I’m sure they would have wrecked their car from laughing so hard at the situation going on along the side of U.S. hwy 12. There I was, holding my three year old daughter kind of in this squatting position with her pants around her ankles, and her legs fairly extended ( the leg extension comes from the knowledge I gained on our last road trip when we stopped in this same place to pee, well, girls apparently pee different then boys and while she was squatting she managed to piss all over her pants, lovely). Well my poor little girl held in this suspended position only was able to manage for about 30 seconds and decided she could hold it. After watching this scene my 5 year old admitted she too could hold it. Go figure.
So we get to the ladies room, now this is always a moment of hesitation for me, do I take them into the men’s room, or do I let them journey into the ladies by themselves? I’m never sure, so it depends on the moment really. Like I said, we get to the ladies room and my oldest says she doesn’t have to go anymore….WHAT?!?!?!? Well I tell her that she needs to take her sister in so she can go.
There I am standing outside of the ladies room, looking like some kind of dirty bastard (aqua lung kept playing over in my head), waiting for my kids and watching the people. That’s when I see it, the misery and destitute appearance on the faces of all of the “happy” shoppers. The lady that first caught my attention was probably in her mid 50’s and rather odd looking, so I stared to try and figure out what was so odd, then “BAM” I get it, she has this huge mouth, I mean, fucking enormous, and it’s painted bright fucking pink, and she has this damn evil grin, kind of like the gal in that sound garden video for “black hole sun” the mouth just kind of keeps growing and growing. Quite a horrific site really. I quickly avert my eyes back to the ladies room, and out comes my oldest. ALONE. Now they have been in there almost 5 minutes, I’m a little concerned, but when I see her coming out alone, I begin to run all sorts of horrific things thru my imagination, the worst being one involving Rebecca in there with her pants full of shit and her stuck in the toilet, but much to my relief she just was coming out to inform me that she had to go too.
Well, another 10 minutes pass and my youngest comes out, and we then wait, and wait, and wait, and then, we wait some more. Finally her sister emerges from the ladies room and we are set to begin our shopping adventure in the wonderful world of “rolled back prices”.
Second stop, home electronics, after sorting thru the wide (but still expensive) selection of optical wireless mice, I chose one, I won’t bore you with the details of which one. We then turn to leave Home Electronics and that’s when it happens, the twitch in my left eye, I know this twitch all to well, its not a visible twitch, at least not to the best of my knowledge, but the twitch marks the beginning of my temper starting to emerge, there before me filling the aisles are a plethora of shoppers and discount shit in oversize displays, and no navigable path thru them to the grocery dept. FUCK! Now I begin to feel really hot, I mean, boiling, its tempting to take off all clothes at that point to try to cool off, but that no doubt would cause some commotion, and I really hate commotion, at least the kind I would be facing in this mental state.
After 2 hours of “scuse me, pardon me” we get thru to the grocery department. We start filling our cart with the barest of necessities, and again its time to enter the aisles, now why is it that these fucking shoppers have to be such rude, inconsiderate fucking morons, I mean seriously, is there any reason on earth why these fat fucking assholes have to park in the aisle ways sideways, then glare at you like you just tried to ass rape them, when you say “excuse me” so you can get by? A lot of times I will just say “fuck it” and go to the other aisle and come back down from the other end to avoid these autistic shoppers. But as my luck would have it today, every dang aisle was like this.
Next stop, Meat Department (yes, I eat meat, so all you vegans can suck my left nut, I hear it tastes like broccoli) and I am approaching the ground beef, and the meat guy is there, and I’m kind of peeking in front of the spot he has his big fucking john deer meat cart parked (this douche bag isn’t doing anything) trying to see if the dead cow I need is in front of him, sure as shit it is, so I let on to this fuckwad (granted, I know he’s a minimum wage worker, but come on, be courteous) that I really would like to get to the spot he is blocking (again, he isn’t doing shit, just standing there, not stocking not anything, just wasting space, much like the rest of the American population) and he just kind of says “humph” and drags his big fucking Cadillac cart off. Sigh…..I grab my burger and start making my way to the check out stands.
As I’m walking the green mile it dawns on me that I need kitty litter, (fuck I hate cats, the things we do for our kids) so I bob and weave my way back to the grocery department, it just made sense that the pet stuff would be there, much like any other grocery store, but then I’m not in just “any” grocery store, in fact as I begin to desperately search for anything pet related in this behemoth of a store, I realize that wal-mart super centers are in fact “the gates of hell”.
After many hours of searching for the pet department, and more importantly, any fucking idiot that worked there, that could give me some sort of clue as to where it may be. I eventually find this upper management looking douche bag and he tells me its back by the entrance…conveniently located right next to the toy department. AAAAAAAAARGHH! I had managed to avoid this department as I wasn’t in the mood for “dad, can I have this, oh I want this,” but, alas, I had to make the trip. I decide the best and fastest way to get in and out would be to throw the kids on top of all the groceries and just plow my way thru the gawkers and lookey-loos, running helter skelter so the girls would never have the opportunity to notice the endless aisles of shit that they don’t need, but seem to be pre-programmed to think they do. I make it to the pet aisle, and kick down a little old lady that was parked sideways in front of all the kitty litter, she started to yell, so I kicked her in the face and shot her a glance that said I was desperate and there was no fucking way she was going to break my will to finish my mission.
Now we are again on our way back to the check out stands, and I’m muttering foul words and things about wal-mart, resolving to never again frequent their shitty fucking establishment, and that’s when I see it….like a fucking lighthouse that suddenly appears on a dark night to give you some hope of life and land, the stand was enormous, and fully stalked, it was truly a thing of beauty, then I notice the prices….oh my god AVOCADO’S FOR 74 CENTS! What fucking madness, maybe, just maybe this wal-mart super center needs a second thought.
Well the girls and I make it back to the car and on to the highway, we are now headed down U.S. Hwy 93, due north, we have been going for probably 15 minutes, that’s when Rebecca say’s it “dad, I have to poop”.
Chris D.
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