Waiting

(I was pretty sick this spring, and this is one of the pieces I wrote while in and out of the hospitals)



Waiting


I’m sitting in this little exam room.
Or maybe it’s a changing room.
A curtain divides me from the other side of the room.
There is an old man. I can just see his shoe.
It’s black. Velcro straps.
He is talking incessantly.
Nerves.
Fear
Loneliness.
I’m not sure.
The nurse listens and feints interest.
I can hear it in her replies.
The old man is religious,
Or keeps relaying little quips about god.
Jokes maybe.
Parables.
He is catholic.
He says Jew.
A lot.
Discusses jews he knows.
Friends who are jews.
there is something in the way he lets the word jew
fall off his lips.
It’s confused with hatred and friendship.
There is no malice.
The nurse helps him undress.
He demands she not rumple his pants
He demands she pull them from the cuffs.
This pleases him.
The nurse helps him into the hall
And onto a gurney.
I sit and stare at the curtain.
Waiting.

chris d.

Fear in the night

I look down over a vast blue ocean. White objects chase each other back and forth at blinding speeds. Immediately I am aware that there are sharks chasing salmon around. I look off to my left and see my girls swimming out amongst the salmon and sharks. There is no fear in me. For some reason I know these sharks are only interested in the salmon they chase.

I holler out to the girls, just to make them aware that they are not alone.

My voice is quickly swallowed up by the ocean. I make a stronger attempt to get their attention. My gaze is held by the strange white objects darting frantically just beneath the surface. Such a blue ocean. It is a stark contrast, the white of salmon and sharks against the rich blue sea. Unnatural. Hypnotic and terrifying.

I slowly make my way down the marble blocks that surround the ocean. I begin to notice that the entire sea abruptly ends against an endless expanse of these marble blocks. Each one is approximately 3'x3' square. "Odd" I mutter to myself. I shoot a nervous glance out at my kids, I try to holler but the words won't materialize. They splash about carelessly. White monsters circling just beneath them.

Panic seems to be creeping up my spine. The blocks surrounding the shoreline bring out more fear. It's at this point I notice the depth of the ocean where it meets the sea wall. It's as unfathomable as the unyielding blue spreading out before me.

I try to make sense of this surreal scene. Fear and panic begin to radiate into my limbs. My mouth feels swollen. I yell again.

It is at this point the girls begin to scream "sharks" and thrash wildly towards the sea wall.

I yell desperately to stop thrashing, that the sharks will not bother them if they just continue playing as normal. I scream wildly to just slowly move in towards the shore. A shore that I am becoming more disturbed by. There is a stainless steel railing running around most of the edge. However, even where there is no rail, there is no easy access out of this god damned ocean. white monsters darting, nipping at the girls toes. Not inflicting any damage, just further exacerbating their fear and panic, as well as my own.

I pray it's the salmon messing with them, and not the sharks. God not the sharks, anything but those fucking heartless monsters.

The sun is far too bright. I feel my skin burning under the hot rays. The blue ocean blinding me with a sickening fear and rage as I cannot seem to wrap my head around a way out of this situation.

There is no way out. Just an endless consuming fear.

-Chris D