Of Heat Tape and Men

I am a man. I can build anything. I can fix anything. I don't need directions. I am a fucking idiot.

I bought my home about 5 years ago. It's a manufactured home (which is really a euphemism for "trailer", it is quite nice tho..all sheetrocked, nice appliances....but still a trailer). So, for 5 years now, I have been saying "gee, i should really get under the house (aka trailer) and insulate around the skirting, at least where the water line is at. I think I should do this, because I live in a very cold winter climate, and every year my water line freezes (go figure). And every year I say " shit, winter is here, it's too cold to crawl under there right now, i'll do it in the spring". Well eventually spring tends to roll around and then I seem to muster up some sort of excuse like this "gosh, we've been getting so much rain, it's probably really muddy under there, I'll just wait and do it in the summer, when it's warm AND dry". Well as you probably would guess, summer finally arrives at which point i say something along these lines "it's way to fucking hot to be crawling around under that damn house (aka trailer) besides, the black widow's are now out in full force so I will wait untill fall when it gets cooler out and the black widow's can't move about so quick" Seems like reasonable thinking right? So, before I know it, fall is upon me, and I some how manage to convince myself that "the odds of it getting cold enough this year are pretty minimal, what with this whole global warming thing, besides, if it does look like it's going to get that cold, i'll just take care of it the night before, it should be quick and easy anyhow...it's only and area of about 3foot by 10 foot that needs to be insulated, piece of cake"

What kind of fucking asshole would reason with himself in this manner...I can only think of one type of person....A MAN! Now I know i'm a guy and I shouldn't be bashing us guy's, but damnit, sometimes (not often) we do stupid shit, for example; going out after work to have "a beer" and before you know it, it's closing time on a tuesday night, you are shitfaced, wondering where everyone is, and who is this enormous woman I'm trying to coerce into my bed. See that is a good example of a man being stupid, not stupid for drinking too many beers, and not stupid for taking home anything you could get your dirty horny little hands on. No we are stupid for honestly thinking, that we are only going to have "a beer". Much like i've been very stupid thinking I'm a) going to get my house insulated at a "convient time" and B) that it's not going to get cold.

So, two days ago the weather service makes some claim ( I don't like to use the word prediction, because hell, at least predictions have a chance of coming true) that the temperature here is going to hit at least -16 degrees farhenheit. So I do the unthinkable (now mind you, its already about 15 degrees out, and alot of snow) I listen, not only do I listen, but I go buy a vatt of insulation, not only that, but as soon as I get home, I proceed to take down the skirting (ok, to be honest here, about 2 months ago, I started taking it down thinking I'd be doing this, only I talked myself into believing that it doesn't really get that cold in western Montana, and never really got it all the way back up) and I crawl under the damn house (aka trailer) and sure as shit, spider webs fucking everywhere, now, I'm not scared of spiders, however, my house only seems to have black widow's under it, so thats a little un-nerving. Anyhow, I'm in my arctic work gear crawling around insulating like a mad man (hey, it's friggin cold). It takes all of about 30 minutes to get the whole job half-ass done, good enough to prevent freezing, besides, i'll fix it up right in the spring.

Here is where I provide proof that ALL men are as dumb as I. I get a call from my boss this morning saying that we are too meet at his rental house because he's worried about the water line freezing (yes, it got fucking cold, who would have guessed?). So I meet him at the rental house, and we go under...and start to apply the heat tape to the lines...which by the way...were in the early stages of freezing, you could feel the ice in the lines, and the water was just trickling out of the main line. So we bring down the heater and beging to blast the pipes with heat ranging in the 500 degree area, which is also blasting directly on us, and well, it's really cold out, so I have on all of my thermal work shit!

Finally we get all of the lines thawed, and the heat tape applied and his cellar entrance insulated. The day was mostly uneventfull after that. I think the moral of my story, if I were to have a moral, I suppose you should first have morals before you go making morals out of your stories....anyhow, don't put shit off!

chris d.